Preston Village Cricket Club

Following the departure of W.G. Said-Grace to his post at the Daily Telegraph (seems they’re actually paying him the promised pints), a new scribe was needed to chronical the adventures of The Village People. The vacancy was filled by a lost Geordie bloke who was wondering around Meadowmill trying to clear his head following a "quiet" night on the town. Thus we introduce to you the collection of the most popular Face In The Crowd reports from his 7 year spell.

2000

1. "YES!" – Mano’s tests Patterson’s sprinting techniques with this call when the fielder is picking the ball up to return the ball.
2. "I think your dad might not be happy at me for that" – Mano reflects on Patterson’s reaction while receiving a drink of water from young Patterson.
3. "Coaching Course, Fxxxing coaching course, we payed for that to go on a coaching course" – One of only two printable comments from Patterson after being run out by Mano.
4. "Three, he has never ran fxxxing three in his life" – the other printable comment from Patterson.
5. "I think I hear the phone ringing" – the Glenrothes groundsman, heads towards the changing rooms after the irate Patterson has thrown his equipment at its door.
6. "You WOULD have made it in safe a couple of years ago" - A stupid mistake by the captain – trying to calm Patterson down with humour about the run out and his age.

FACE IN THE CROWD

Comments of the week

2001

The "Village People" continued on their East League tour with an third consecutive away match this time in Glenrothes. This was the second time in a month that the "people" had travelled to the kingdom of Fife. With Dunnikier and Dalgety bay still to come before the half way stage of this year’s tour, a season ticket for the Forth Road bridge seems to be a prerequisite for drivers in this club.

It is said that cricket captaincy is like directing a film, if so perhaps Dobie is a George Lucas clone. In his tenure so far the People have seen a match abandoned because of a car crash, the spectacular special effects of a batsman crashing 148 off the village bowlers at Edinburgh Accies and then on Saturday a pitch invasion.

Not a bad return for 2.2 seasons in charge. Certainly he could not be described as the Frank Capra, happy families movie type director, although in fairness to him, "Munchkin" Mills, "Chewbacca" McMillan nor "Obi-Wan" Patterson were never likely to get the call for Its a Wonderful Life, ahead of the wholesome James Stewart. I know that the Munchkins were from the Wizard of Oz and not Star Wars but I didn’t have the heart to call him R2D2.

In terms of direction Lucas has managed to reverse the shocking navigational skills of the People who generally got lost within 5 minutes of leaving Prestonpans. Not so much Christopher Columbus but Carry on Columbus for this lot who in the past struggled to exit a brown paper bag. Therefore managing to assemble his troops by 1.00 at Glenrothes ( the capital of roundabouts) was a pretty good effort.

The Director then shocked them by wining the toss, seems his training at calling is paying off. He then asked the hosts to make first use of a soft but reasonable looking track. All part of the game plan was Dobie’s pronouncement, but as he uses this comment whether he wins or loses the toss this was taken with a pinch of salt by his team mates, who generally treat these comments with the same sort of belief as adult watchers of Bambi.

The game plan in the absence of Mills was to use Wright and McMillan normally 2 of the tightest bowlers in the league to tie down the early Glenrothes batsmen with Mano and a combination of Black and King to continue the work following their spells. This seemed a good idea in principle but the normally frugal Chewbacca did not so much have a bad day at the office, but had a disaster as he struggled to find his line and length. As a result Glenrothes got off to a flier with 50 for the first wicket before Wright snr prised a lbw decision from the umpire to remove Hutchison.

At 50 for 1Dobie had to alter his directions by bringing McMillan out of the attack introducing Emanuel "Jabba The Lean-To" Belivanis, (his family were unable to afford a hut). Jabba responded to the challenge with an impressive spell of bowling which brought him a return of 6 for 15. Wright snr definitely a walk on for High Noon if Zinneman had not seen Gary Cooper first, was a miserly as ever, returning 3 for 9 from his accurate spell as the Villagers closed out the home innings on 101 in the fortieth over.

After tea the "Village People" started their reply with further Dobie directions. Black and Grieve were to open the innings with instructions to give the side a solid start. This odd couple failed to live up to their billing as Dobie plans were shattered as Oscar Grieve received an unplayable delivery to depart for a duck. He paid the appropriate amount for that comment, then Mano decided to open up too early giving Gould an easy catch he didn’t pay up - take a hint, Jabba bribe the correspondent, he may be cheap but he’s not nasty, as the "People" slid to 6 for 2.

However the plans were put back on track with a stand of 56 between Black and the Fonz King before Felix Black was caught for a well made 23. Obi One Patterson was the new batsman and along with Fonz took the score to 84 before Kings concentration was broken with an incident that certainly was not in Dobie’s plans, a pitch invasion by a motor cyclist.

The obviously excitable (drunken) young man in true "Great Escape Style" failed miserably to complete his travels across the outfield. Steve McQueen at least had the excuse of a 10 foot fence, this guy met his nemesis when he clashed with a fielder and thus The Great Escape became Enter the Dragon, which promptly became Zulu as a number of similarly inebriated friends of the failed McQueen came to his aid.

During this period Gow decided he was tailor made of the Michael Caine role trying to establish a flying squad of batsmen to reinforce the perimeter where required. Only trouble is I can’t remember Caine being a "bus spotter" so I guess that Stanley Baker would never had selected Gow for the part anyway.

When the match re-started, Fonz departed one run later. Wright jnr (a Tom Cruise look a like, in height if nothing else) joined Obi One and the middle order batsmen eased the People from 85 for 4 to a 6 wicket win with Patterson ending 17 not out and Wright 6.

If not all of Dobie’s directions had worked out his main plan had that of taking the maximum points to reinforce the "Village People’s" promotion push certainly came to fruition. Next week the People play their first home league match when they entertain Grange at Meadowmill.

1. "Well done Mano" - McMillan through clenched teeth
2. "That’s more like it Mano" - A sympathetic Patterson after Mano’s attempted off drive end up lobbing to mid on
3. "Have you seen They Died With Their Boots On?" - A helpful Grieve to Paterson King and Mano during the motor bike incident
4. "No - did the cowboys win?" - A thick Patterson
5. "Heads" - Lucas Dobie
6. "Ya beauty!" - A cool and diplomatic Dobie reacts to getting the toss right
7. "I’m staying here" – Grieve stays put behind the stumps as the pitch evasion starts.
8. "Bring it on" – Patterson open to all challenges, well he was wearing his batting pads, gloves and with a large, heavy cricket bat in his hands.

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PVCC Vs Drummond – 8^th June
WELCOME TO TIGERLAND

Last weeks thumping victory over Dunnikier maintained Preston Village’s unbeaten start to the season and set up Saturday’s encounter with Drummond who are in a similar position. Even in early June this match had all the aspects of a promotion cracker with 2 of the 3 unbeaten teams in the league meeting. An added edge is that Inverleith is a ground at which the Village People had never recorded a league win either against Saturday’s opposition or Old Contemptibles who also use the park as their home pitch.

One has never quite worked out why the record at Inverleith is so poor someone has suggested that it’s to do with the age of some of our players combined with the number of female joggers and imagination but whatever the reason the record is appalling.

The visitors turned up at 1.00 to find the hosts frantically mopping the wicket .The fault seemed to lie with a combination of drainage problems and the Friday’s deluge which rendered the track barely playable. The consensus was that it was playable and then Al Dobie to bring some normality to the occasion promptly lost the toss but was surprised to find that Drummond had chosen to make first use of the soft wicket. Dobie’s claims that he would have asked them to bat anyway fell on deaf ears. If Dobie has become a Vulcan (he has the ears for it) and has perfected a mind-warp surely it would be easier to use it on winning the toss and not on the opposition captain after he has lost it.

Derek Wright fresh from his holiday returned to open the bowling with McMillan as the normally effective opening partnership found the their rhythm immediately as Drummond openers Coulson and Alford found the combination of the tight bowling and good ground fielding hard to manage. McMillan eventually broke the opening partnership when he bowled Alford. Coulson and Enders then put 35 runs on before Enders backed up to far at the non strikers end and was run out by a combination of Patterson and Davie, reducing the visitors to 50 for 3 in the 19th over.

By 11.30 on Saturday night Patterson’s version was that his electric pace and perfect throw had made the whole thing easy for Davie. Davie’s version was that he’d forgot how slow Patterson had become, had almost fallen asleep waiting for the throw which was crap and only completing the run out as a result of his innate cricketing ability. By midnight (3 pints later) consensus was it was a brilliant joint effort.

The match then continued in a similar vein with Drummond attempting to break free from some tight bowling supported by some keen fielding whilst The Village People continued to hold the scoring rate at around 2 per over. McMillan completed his spell with 1 for 24 from 13 overs being replaced by Davie. At the other end Dobie suddenly found a problem when Mano became the wickets only victim with a strained groin. (Yes he has one). Rapley took over for 4 overs to allow Wright to return and complete his spell picked up 2 for 10 in the process and crucially the wicket of Coulson who fell to a superb catch by D King. At the other end Davie was quietly collecting the best figures of all with 4 for 30 from 10 overs of his medium pacers.

For those who recall Davie as a slim built supper fit athlete he has filled out somewhat, now living in the Garden of England home of hard true batting wickets, welcome home son the only bit of the pitch that was hard on Saturday was the stumps. It’s as well that Mills wasn’t playing or the club could have been sued by the BBC for breaching the copyright of the Telly Tubbies.

At 115 for 7 at the end of the 45th over Drummond made use of the absurd rules of the East League which allows the team batting first to take an extra 2 overs during which they moved there score on to 125 for 8. This left the Villagers with 43 overs to surpass the total or to score 86 for the worst of a draw or 115 to get the better of a draw. If the reader is confused by these inane rules then try explaining them to anyone who feels that one day cricket should be winner take all on even terms, or try using them to attract kids into cricket.

As it was Dobie was confident at teatime, after all this was the best batting line up the club could muster and despite the slow wicket surely 3 an over would be easy enough? The game plan was simple enough a solid start then easing the ball around to attain the 3 an over, but as often happens in cricket just when thing are looking a straight forward, a calamity occurs. On this occasion after weeks of showing consistency with the bat the People re-discovered the ability to stage a batting collapse.

7 for 3 after 9 overs was certainly not in the game plan as King, Black and Davie all ended up back in the pavilion without too much of a contribution, at this point the score book was beginning to resemble an Edinburgh telephone number. Patterson and Rapley staged something of revival with a stand of 43. The normally free scoring middle order batsmen played with commendable common sense for 11 overs before Patterson played a rash shot and was caught for 11. For rash read crap, when easily taking 3 an over off the Drummond attack the reasons behind Patterson’s rush of blood remain a mystery.

Dobie chose to gamble at this stage bringing McMillan up the order in an attempt to secure some quick runs but on this occasion the ploy failed miserably and McMillan was bowled for 5. Wright made a brief appearance demonstrating that he was suffering the same malaise as his colleagues at the top of the bating order before Rapley’s patient effort came to an end on 43 when he was stumped. Rapley who once scored a fifty in 23 balls taking 22 overs to score 42 showed commendable patience. Mano with 23 not out with a runner Davie and Gow who was to be out to the last ball of the match with 8 steered the People to 100 for 8 and the worst of the draw.

Mano’s 23 would have been 13 if he didn’t have the runner, although his first run was a brilliant scene. Mano clubs the ball to long on and sets off hobbling down the wicket with Davie haring down the track at square leg, taking 10 yards out of him in 15 as Gow wandered to the other end scratching his head and wondering what he had let himself in for. Davie and Gow got the situation resolved although Mano’s refusal not to call despite not running did lead to a noisy if effective partnership.

The best the People can take from the match is that they are still unbeaten and take that record to Trinity on Saturday, who are the third unbeaten team in the league. It promises to be another tense encounter or the Prestonpans team.

1. "It’s just like the Somme "- Gow surveys the mud at point (he should know he was there)
2. "You prick "- A reflective Rapley on Patterson’s Shot (mad swipe)
3. "It seemed like a good idea at the time "- Patterson attempts to justify the shot
4. "I thought I did well to reach it" - Davie reflects on his dismissal caught cutting a wide

PVCC Vs Dunikier II – 1^st July
VILLAGE RETURN TO STEPPES

At last, 5 weeks after the 2002 tour started the "Village People"; Preston Village Cricket Club played a home game. After 3 away matches on the bounce and no activity for a fortnight the "People" hosted Dunnikier at Meadowmill. The Meadowmill bit being a let down for the home side who had hoped this year to be playing at a new home at Polwarth Park in the centre of town rather than on the outskirts (technically Meadowmill is in Tranent something to do with parish boundaries, Mills will be able to explain I presume). On the subject of Mills he started the first controversy of the day when he delivered an ultimatum to McMillan. "No more Munchkin comments pal - or I‘ll rip your head off" etc. Impressive stuff delivered by Mills whilst standing on a chair looking up at McMillan's chest. In the face of such a threat birthday boy (40 yes that's 40) simply said OK Tinkie Winkie and the subject was closed. It is nice to see someone assert himself.

This correspondent like the team is keen to get to Polwarth, lets face it Wright opening the bowling from the motorway end is not half as good as from the Station End although the demand from the team on re-naming that end as "almost Kenny’s garden end" will have to be resisted. In truth Kenny’s garden is at cow-shot corner from a ball bowled from the south of the ground, but a bottle of port for the first person to hit his vegetable patch.

However the new wicket is unlikely to be playable until later in the season so it was back to old haunts and the expanse of the Meadowmill steppes.

At least some things hadn’t changed, the walk to the square seems to get longer each season especially for the older players, one of whom called for a runner (good call Kenney), and the wicket well was best described as a typical Meadowmill wicket. At 1.15 the cricketing brains of both teams (5, all from the visitors) viewed the track and several different theories were proposed for how it would play but the general impression was that it would favour the bowlers in the early part of the game before settling down.

The settling down bit was generally seen as a hope rather than an expectation, and was voiced with differing degrees of certainty after the news broke that Dobie had won the toss and asked Dunnikier to bat first. Patterson for example voiced the best opinion on the settling down issue, the veteran concluding "it will settle down by Tuesday, which is Fxxx, all use to us". The most pointed comment however came from a Dunnikier player on arrival at the boundary, "where’s the square?" "Out there in the sea of daisies" (yes- the outfield hadn’t been cut either), was an accurate if unoriginal response.

Whilst there were a variety of concerns about the wicket the one thing The Village People were clear about was that they did not want to have to chase a big total on it. The objective was clear for Mano and McMillan who opened the bowling to make quick inroads into the Dunnikier line up. That is exactly what they did as being well supported by some fine fielding. By the 9th over the visitors had been reduced to 6 for 6 with Mano blasting 4 batsmen out and McMillan 2. 6 for 6 that sounds like a PVCC performance of yesteryear.

From this position Dunnikier did very well to get to 45 in the face of some aggressive fast bowling. I have to say aggressive Mano has at last learnt that 3 pints bought gets the opportunity to at least influence what is going to be reported. It does but not entirely cover him, although his bowling of the 13-year-old number 4 was magnificent. Forno held the inning together with a gutsy 16 before he was last out with Mano ending with 6 for 22 and McMillan 4 for 15.

McMillan and Black then walked out to open the Preston Village reply which received an immediate blow when McMillan celebrated his 40th birthday with a first ball duck, caught hooking, ( hooking at this point is used because the spelling checker does not recognise "mad swipe"). The significance of the hooking being that Dunnikier for some reason chose to try a short pitched bowling attack, which allowed King and Black to race the people to 41 to 1 in the 7th over with a series of hooks and cuts before King failed to keep a hook shot down and was caught for 11. Rapley then joined Black and ended the game with 2 cracking shots with Black 19 not out at the death.

With an 8 wicket win in their pocket the "Village People" retired with their opponents to the Prestonpans Labour Club, one of the club’s sponsors along with Fine Forrest Ltd and the Preston Lodge Business Partnership, to discuss the match over a well earned drink.

Saturdays win keeps the "Village People" as one of the 3 unbeaten teams in the league a situation that may well change next Saturday when the "People" travel to Inverleith to meet Drummond in a match that even this early in the season is vital to the Prestonpans team’s promotion prospects.

6. "Shit -another bottle of port? "- Mano realises the enormity of his 6 for 22.

PVCC Vs Dalgety Bay – 27^th July
ON THE PROMOTION CHARGE

Its true, most people wouldn't have bet on it but with 5 games to go, the "Village People "are still unbeaten and top of the league. In this past this lofty position would have induced a "nosebleed "of epic proportions and a collapse into the relegation area but this Village team is of a different mind set. This is perhaps as a result of the clubs youth policy and the use of Mitre as a feeder club for promising youngsters, well old farts really, as most of those who have found their way to Prestonpans are as old if not older than Patterson. I know it’s hard to believe but it’s true.

Saturday saw the "People" entertaining Dalgety Bay the visitors harbouring their own promotion hopes. On paper this was the game of the day in the league with the Villagers boasting the best bowling attack in the league (according to Wright snr Mills Mano and McMillan) with the Fifers having a strong batting line-up which included 2 of the top scoring batsmen in division (according to the league). Davie King, just to prove he was present did point out that logically if the bowlers keep knocking over the opposition for less than 100 then the opportunity for batsmen is rather limited. This view received support from Patterson, Wright jnr, Grieve, Kiernan and Gow but gave Mano a problem, as an all rounder who does he side with? Answer you don’t get pulled in at all and you go out and sort the scoreboard - good call Mano. However the game failed live up to its billing as the home team having asked the visitors to make first use of the wicket simply tore through their batting line up to bowl them out for just 68.

Unusually in such a demolition no one bowler took the honours but the 4 man attack of D Wright snr, S McMillan, Mano and C Mills (Yes! the Munchkin is back after a combination of holidays and a broken finger, these deck chairs are a sod when your vision is blurred by a knotted hankie) were too strong for the Dalgety Bay batting order. Wright and McMillan had opened the bowling with their usual accurate and threatening manner. McMillan started the rout in the second over when he had the dangerous Pedan caught at point by Gow. Young? David ,was full of enthusiasm for Queen of the South’s new signing of a young goal keeper and 2 over later was to employ the agility of a flying brick to tip a catching chance over the bar when it would have been easier to catch it. McMillan’s diplomatic reaction suggested that his preference would have been for the catch to be held without the gymnastics.

Rakshit the leagues top batmen and Bracewell then seemed to be restoring some order before Wright got in on the action with Bracewell being caught behind by Patterson, deputising as wicket keeper for the holidaying Dobie, and he then uprooted Rakshit’s leg stump to take the Fifers to 27 for 3 and in some trouble. McMillan and Patterson then combined to remove the dangerous Pearson with a superb low catch by the keeper to reduce Dalgety Bay to 28 for 4 in the 12th over. The superb low catch is only inserted into this report to wind up the holidaying captain on his return, after all anyone who takes his keeping gloves with him on holiday has to have questions asked about him. After all how do you cool on the beach with the gloves on? In Al’s case, is he capable of looking cool on a beach under any circumstances? However the good news is that the superb catch is in the report in the local press so the whole of East Lothian will know about it

Mano then replaced Wright from the Motorway End and proceeded to work his way through the remaining bating order with 4 wickets as the first change bowler generated some impressive pace and swing in an amazing spell. McMillan ended his 13 over spell by bowling Bell for 18 with his final ball to register a return of 3 for 28. In truth McMillan bowled far better than his 3 for 28. Mills took over from McMillan and with his skiddy pacy deliveries, had a number of the visiting batsmen in trouble as he complemented the display from his change partner Mano. With Baloo and Bagheera as an opening partnership how would you categorise lofty Mills and the athletically built Mano? Answers on an E-mail with a major prize for the best response; first prize 2 complementary tickets for the sponsor’s box at the final home game of the season. It should be interesting to see 2 people trying to stand on 4 inches (its Mano’s box) of plastic for 5 hours.

The moment of the day and a pure Village People moment came during Mano’s spell when Bell edged him wide of 2nd slip and into the long grass at the Power Station End. Black, McMillan, Grieve and Wright all disappear into the grass to locate the ball. "There it is!" Goes the cry and everyone gets to their feet to re-start the game as the 4 fielders all return to their positions. Mano storms back to the end of his run up (he never likes going for 4) and the game was set to re-start. Then the penny dropped the 4 had located the ball but nobody had bothered to pick it up.

When the last wicket fell with the visitors all out for 68, the only question in anyone’s mind was would the Village People ease to victory or would they, as has been the case in the past, snatch defeat from the jaws of victory? The opening batting partnership of Wright jnr and Gow answered that question in emphatic style as they raced to 69 without loss in only 13 overs. As a partnership they are a little "chalk and cheese"well a lot chalk and cheese. Lets examine the facts; Gow is a solid citizen, clean living, a pillar of society, a bus spotter and a 70’s porn start look alike (remember the sun glasses at Glenrothes last season). Wright jnr a product of the liberal 90’s, wild living (in his mind anyway) and a perchance for the night out .On the field Gow is the type of opener who can drive a bowler to distraction with a solid defence and an ability to nudge singles to keep the score moving whilst Wright obviously with something to prove after dad’s bowling, is a stroke player who on Saturday was obviously in form as he raced to 38 not out with some impressive drives and pulls.

It may be "chalk and cheese" but it works well and the 10-wicket victory for the People meant that Dalgety Bay took no points at all from the encounter which effectively ended their championship challenge.

2003

PVCC Vs Peebles County – 6^th May 

CALAMITOUS RUNNING CAN'T STOP "THE PEOPLE"

The "Village People’s" unbeaten start to the season continued as they raced, well in reality stumbled, into the 2^nd round of the Masterton Cup with a tight 4 wicket victory over Peebles with 5 balls to spare.

Initially the omens weren’t good with David King making himself unavailable because of tonsillitis and Mano off on study leave, YES study leave. Before anyone suggests that Mano thought we were playing Watsonians again and was protecting his average, forget it he does have one at present so it must be true.

The King withdrawal was offset by the fortuitous arrive of Joe Ray and the 14 year old found himself pressed into service alongside young Patterson as the host took to the field.

The old firm of McMillan and Wright opened the bowling with they usual parsimony as the opening 7 overs were bowled for only 14 runs and the loss of Slater the visiting opener. Dobie than made a change introducing Graeme Barrie into the attack for McMillan who’s figures of 0 for 3 were poor change for a good spell. Barrie however was to be the star of the bowling display. He was in the wickets almost immediately and with a superb sense of timing took a took a wicket with the final ball of his 5 over spell to record figures of 5 for 11, his first senior 5 wicket haul.

Other highlights of the fielding display were a debut wicket for A Buckley, an amazing diving attempt by Patterson, C of course (the other is too old to dive he now falls with style), which would have brought the catch of the season. Instead it cost him a pound fine for not holding it. Most importantly for the first time this season the fielding display did not include the rush for the first aid kit as the People emerged unscathed from the fielding effort and chasing 57 to win. Gow turning up with a pre-broken finger did rather take the shine off the fitness return.

I Patterson and Wright were despatched to open the reply, surely the oldest ever opening partnership in the clubs history, which they did in some style putting 22 on in 4 overs before Wright was bowled. Barrie and McMillan appeared and then disappeared fairly quickly, in McMillan’s case very quickly, as the host subsided to 27 for 3 and threatened a collapse. Buckley however had not read the club culture correctly and stuck about with a surprisingly patient Patterson as the two batsmen took the score to 43 before Buckley was stumped.

Needing 13 from 5 overs was surely easy, not so for the "People" as they made a real pigs ear of it , enter 9 fingered Gow , initially with Patterson easing the team to victory and reaching 50 with 14 balls to go before Gow set off on a suicidal single which saw Patterson run out for 32. For those that know "I’m the best judge of a single ever, Yawn Yawn" Patterson, his reaction to such events is calm, measured and laid back. Like hell it is, even by his standards of bat throwing the reaction was remarkable, third man avoided dentures by a quick dive and the language towards his partner was choice. However the demand for the video replay was simply silly as the wicket keeper had had time for a fag before removing the bails so it was fair to assume that a replay would have done him no favours.

Kenny Black full of sartorial elegance strolled in and was promptly run out by Gow without scoring. If Patterson’s reaction was excitable Blacks was typical of the man, he went home, literally. As Dobie strolled in from the pavilion end Kenny simply walked to fine leg and climbed over his back wall into his garden. His thoughts on the run out are totally unknown.

Dobie and Gow then ended the nonsense by getting the winning runs.

PVCC Vs Marchmont – 13^th May
MORE OF A WALK THAN A RUN IN THE END

It was of course too good to be true, the cup run, well at least a short walk came to a stop when Marchmont wandered into Prestonpans and beat the hosts in the 2^nd round of the Masterton Trophy.

Al Dobie had won the toss and elected to bat on perhaps the best prepared wicket ever at Polwarth; certainly it was the best rolled courtesy of the road roller donated by contractors at the swimming pool. The added weight of Mano driving the roller would certainly help the process.

If Al was confident about the truthfulness of the surface he did not hang about long enough to display it as he hit a full toss straight up into the air and departed in the first over.

King and Patterson then took the score to 25 after 6 before King followed Dobie’s example and gave Marchmont catching practice which most of them did not need. Patterson had in his usual style found the only visiting fielder likely to drop the ball, continued initially with Mano but then with Black to eased the score to 42 for 3 in the 11^th over. At this point the hosts were looking at possible 80 to 100 but the wheels came off spectacularly. Patterson was bowled by one that kept low for 27 including 2 sixes and the usual "don’t move it’s gone" call. Then McMillan up the order to increase the run rate followed his captain with a duck. At least big Scott made the fielder work for the catch as he fell to as good a catch as you are likely to see all season at Polwarth.

Black and Barrie then surprisingly failed to accelerate the innings and the 20 over exercise came to a rather unspectacular end on 62 for 5.

Even though they were probably 20 runs as a minimum short of a reasonable total the People took to the field with some enthusiasm , after all in terms of fielding with a quartet of youngsters , both Dixon’s , Callum Wilson and Monty Barrie this was surely as good a fielding outfit as could be fielded.

However the normally parsimonious Wright snr had a bit of an off day but in the process settled one argument, i.e. if the wicket is on the edge of the square can a batsman hit Polwarth Terrace. A loose ball in his first over hit the wall which was an indication that it may be possible; a loose ball in his 3^rd over cleared the wall the garden hut behind it and was last seen heading for Port Seton. Given these aberrations 6 overs 1 for 25 seemed a reasonable return. He was well supported by Mano with 2 for 20 from 6, and after 12 overs the visitors were on 42 and the "People "were still in the game.

Unfortunately Marchmont had not read the script and instead of becoming becalmed like the hosts they strolled to a 7 wicket victory in the 16^th over. The only thing of note was Patterson failing to hold on to a catch at cover that would have given Chris Dixon his first wicket in the 1’s. Dixon diplomatically suggested it was a good effort, Mano and Dobie decided that Patterson was now senile. On balance the latter is probably correct. Patterson countered with the suggestion that it was a fine effort despite his age and at least unlike Gow he didn’t break an elderly finger.

The saving grace for the People is that for the first time in living memory they have departed the Masterton without a batman taking a hundred off them, perhaps a short cup walk that avoids the likes of Accies and Watsonians etc is about as good as it gets.

PVCC Vs Drummond – 31^st May 

"I VANT TO BE ALONE"

After 3 weeks of rain-enforced idleness the "Village People" restarted their league campaign with a home game against old rivals Drummond at Polwarth. With the park looking like a village cricket ground, in the blazing sunshine it seemed at last that summer had arrived.

Drummond are old friends and rivals, who have over the past few years been a constant in the Village People fixture list and have always provided a good quality match . Saturday was no different as the teams played out another tight encounter.

Al Dobie, the "Village People" leader won the toss (3 times now, the sod has won the toss and buggered up the start of this report) and asked the visitors to make first use of the track. With an almost first choice XI at his disposal and the strongest bowls attack available, surely a correct choice. On this occasion it was a pace attack of Wright, McMillan, Mano, Buckley and Barrie which placed a stranglehold on the Drummond batting line up as the visitors were bowled out for 97.

The innings was eventful with Al Dobie retiring hurt from behind the stumps, with a jarred back. He took a leg side catch which wasn’t, it was off the pad, leapt up and down to celebrate, prematurely, and then collapsed 2 balls later when Patterson took a catch at cover. No funny comments about his premature reaction please, nor that the sight of Patterson holding on to a catch was so shocking it induced a medical problem. After Patterson’s recent catching attempts, the fact he held on to a head high screamer was of course a pure fluke. The only medical attention that was needed was to Kenny Black who was the victim of Patterson’s fielding howlers on Thursday.

Patterson blissfully unaware of his captain’s discomfort was wandering around taking the plaudits before eventually being told to take over the wicket keeping duties where almost immediately, he dropped a catch just to show that nothing had changed. In fairness he did well to reach it at all, but you think at his age he would have realised that having made the effort to get to the ball, holding on to it, seems to be a reasonable thing to do.

Young Craig Patterson, who only turns up when the seconds aren’t playing, to avoid staying at home and tidying his bedroom, was once again pressed into service as a sub. The youngster at least brings some pace to the fielding effort and now turns up with his whites, but was unable to don them as John Wall had forgotten his shirt and had bummed Craig’s.

Scott McMillan’s 4 for 26 not only represented the best return of the day but brought the big opening bowler to exactly 100 league wickets for the People. Only his opening colleague Wright snr and Mano have previously achieved this feat for the club. Technically Mano is only on 97 wickets but before I’m bombarded with a hundred e-mails on the 2 years missing from the club records, both caused by Kenny Black’s inability to remain sober in Peebles, it is taken that in those 2 years Mano would have taken at least 3 wickets. Although if he’d bowled during these 2 seasons like he did on Saturday even that assumption is debatable.

Years ago when I first started as scribe for the "People", chasing 98 was likely to be a challenge but now surely this was a formality? The opening partnership of Gow and Patterson took the score to 25 in 10 overs without any real alarms and everything seemed on course before Gow was LBW for 4.Then Patterson followed in the next over when he walked for a gloved a catch down the leg side to the wicket keeper. The bowler and umpire were unaware of the contact, which only he and the short square leg fielder had noticed. The wicket keeper showed how blissfully ignorant he was of the catch as he tried to run out the departing batsman.

Chasing 98 and on 27 for 2, the onus was on Mano and King to build a substantial partnership but Mano played a rash shot and was caught for 0 leaving King and Buckley to try and sort things out. The phrase "rash shot " is short hand for crap, but in fairness Mano accepted the outcome with a mature and sensible approach, like hell, he was next seen leaving the ground claiming he was suffering from bubonic plague, sars, or yellow fever depending on who you asked. Perhaps Greta just "vanted to be alone?"

When Buckley was caught behind for 6 it was clear that the Village People were showing that despite their success of the last few years, they still knew how to stage a batting collapse. Even by their historical standards sliding from 36 for 4 to 68 for 9 represents an impressive achievement of sorts.

Dobie was pressed into action despite his injury, batting with a runner. The captain having looked through his line up made the decision of Patterson. Why he wanted a geriatric runner remains a mystery although in truth his options were Gow, run out 2 batsmen in 3 minutes against Peebles, the departed Greta, a malaria victim, or young Barrie who was lapped by King on a single in the last match, so the geriatric was perhaps the best or only option. Dobie obviously not best pleased at having to bat at all, and along with Wright who fired some belligerent blows, took the score to 82 before he was bowled and the Villagers had slipped to their first league defeat of the season.

With next week free to accommodate the Scotland versus Pakistan game the People have a fortnight to reflect on their batting frailties before they travel to Holy Cross in an attempt to kick start their season.

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Here we go again; consistency is the key. Saturday saw a depleted "Village People" first XI (Barrie, Dobie and Dixon jnr all unavailable due to injury or other commitments) at Holy Cross setting out to banish the memory of the batting collapse that cost them their unbeaten record against Drummond. Surely these guys couldn’t bat as badly again? After all they not that consistent are they. Alas Yes.

The first problem for the "People" to address came before a ball was bowled when David King, deputising as captain lost the toss and was asked to bat on an interesting looking wicket. At least the lost toss shows that club captain Dobie does not have the monopoly on calling wrongly, although in fairness King did not call tails against a double headed coin, but perhaps sending a guy who recently took a bet on Shergar winning this years Derby, out to make the toss was a mistake.

Patterson and Gow are surely the oldest opening partnership in the world? It is kind of embarrassing seeing them push the zimmers out to the wicket, but once again they started the "Peoples" innings with some aplomb and elderly elegance as they moved onto 25 in the 6^th over without any alarms before Patterson was caught behind for 14. The veteran batsman who normally walks for catches seemed more than a little perturbed by the decision, but to hang around trying to get fielders to sign his petition to stay seemed a little over the top, as did the request for video replay

However even at 25 for 1, the hopes were still high of a reasonable total, but 6 overs later on 42 for 5, the "People" had again shown consistency and that they still knew how to stage a batting collapse with numbers 3, 4 and 5 all going quickly, giving the score book from number 3 onwards the appearance of a telephone number. Whatever telephone number starts 000 is the question? However Juggy Reid’s record for ducks is now under severe threat from Mano who is now 3/5ths of the way to the Olympic Rings. Perhaps a good piss up at Andy Marr’s wedding next Friday will boost his season.

When Gow’s patient stay for 10 ended reducing the visitors to 46 for 6 the "People" seemed to be facing an embarrassing demolition. However the lower order rallied around a studious innings of 18 from Kenny Black to post a final total of 79 all out. The general view in a subdued Village dressing room was that the score was 50 runs short of a meaningful target.

However the "People" are if nothing else optimists and despite the low total the general view was that the variable bounce of the wicket gave them an outside chance of victory. The result was an aggressive fielding and bowling display ala "They Don’t Like It Up Them Captain Mannering", with a few misplaced verbal's added for colour (mostly blue), but it worked, as Holy Cross were reduced to 48 for 5. Mano, Derek Wright snr and McMillan were pounding in, and basically giving the batsmen a severe inspection which all but R. Mair failed. The bowling was supported with some great fielding with Wall and the youngsters C. Patterson and S. Dixon to the fore. However Mair continued to defy the attack and he and Robertson put together a stand of 29 to take the hosts within 3 runs of victory.

At this point the Village People remarkably struck with 2 further wickets when firstly Patterson athletically caught Robertson behind the wicket, then 3 balls later Black took a stunning catch at short square leg to remove Mair for 34 leaving an intriguing position of 3 runs to win with 3 wickets remaining. However the fairytale ending sought by the "People" failed to materialise as Holy Cross scraped home to a 3 wicket win.

Next week the Village People entertain Westquarter at Polwarth in what is now a "must win" game for them to avoid being pulled into a relegation struggle for the remainder of the season.

PVCC Vs Drummond – 9^th August 

"SORRY, BUT HE DID WHAT?"

If successful teams in any sport have one characteristic then it is consistency. A review of the Australian cricket XI over the past decade shows great consistency and total domination. Last season the "Village People" showed amazing consistency (for them ) to secure the 5^th Division championship by only losing 1 match, but his year they have reverted to type, with a roller coaster of a season. In late July they had eased themselves into the promotion race before last weeks defeat to Uni Staff, saw them drop to 4^th. The outcome of that result was that Saturday’s match, away to old rivals Drummond, became a must win encounter giving them the opportunity to not only resurrect their promotion chances but to damage the prospects of the league’s second placed team.

The omens for the match started well for the "People" who had never won at Inverleith where Drummond normally play, when the location was switched to Gyle Park. Apparently Inverleith was unavailable because of the festival, although one would have thought the Edinburgh Council’s Leisure Department would have noticed the clash somewhat earlier the Wednesday before the match.

The omens for the "People" seemed to have further improved when Al Dobie won the toss. Given the hottest day of the season, a short fast outfield and an artificial wicket, the game plan was surely to bat first and to make Drummond sweat through 50 overs of fielding. Apparently not, Dobie chose to field, akin to Hussain’s decision in the first Ashes test this winter, Dobie had faith in his bowling attack. Unfortunately the outcome was the same as experienced by England. The reaction of his team to the decision was variable if only because most of them assumed he had lost the toss, as he usually does, and the decision only became common knowledge at tea.

The signs that the omens were changing came immediately when Wright snr hit the stumps with his first delivery only to see the bails fail to fall. Despite this setback reducing Drummond to 34 for 2 in the 10^th over seemed a starting point for proving the captain’s faith in his bowling attack. However a stand of 98 between Maynard and Pollitt set Drummond on the way to a final total of 222 for 5. For the Villagers, Wright was his usual accurate self picking up 2 for 41, and the youngsters Barrie and C Patterson bowled some tight overs as the visitors sought to restrict hosts, unsuccessfully. K Black’s off spinners brought some restriction on the scoring as he carded 2 for 25, including a Dobie stumping, but McMillan despite picking up a late wicket had a day to forget.

He would like to forget it but I suspect that no one will let him. However in fairness to big Scot, he has with Wright carried the attack for 3 or 4 seasons but 1 for 71 was not what was expected. Before Mano jumps in with a comment about bias reporting, there are 2 issues that have to be addressed, 1 – he bought the correspondent a pint (always a good idea), 2- he’s built like the proverbial XXXX house, and this correspondent isn’t.

Chasing 223 to win the "People" needed a good opening partnership from Dobie and Gow. A stand of 16 did not really meet that requirement nor did the stand of 24 between Patterson and Dobie. Hopes of a successful chase were briefly raised with a partnership of 40 between Patterson and Black before Patterson was controversially given out LBW. Patterson’s reaction was predictable, wandering from the wicket muttering about the leg side, the incompetence of umpires, and how much he hated cricket was the norm.

McMillan however took his opportunity brilliantly when he wandered over and simply said, "it looked a bit leg side". Patterson took the bait hook line and sinker with a 5 minute soliloquy, which saw Barrie contemplate suicide and young Patterson give up any hopes of a pocket money increase. Both were scoring at the time and could not move, he rest of the guys having been there before found reasons to leave, pronto. The argument over the LBW was eventually settled with John Wall (the alleged offending umpire) appearing to pad up, I’ve seen it on hawk-eye and you were plumb.

A middle order collapse then occurred as Buckley, Wright, McMillan and Grieve all made fleeting appearances at the crease, before Black’s patient innings ended for a well made 44.

The tail gamely attempted to secure something from the match but the chances of a losing draw, yes, the awful concept of a draw still exists in the East League, disappeared with the dismissal of Wall 3 overs short of the 50^th. Special mention has to be made for young Barrie who had seen off 4 overs before taking a blow to the hand which required medical treatment, only to return to the action. Barrie’s injury was best described as a manicurist’s nightmare. Hit on the right thumb the nail rose up like the mouth of a fish only to fall back into place when 2 litres of cold water were applied. Some tape and padding saw him forced back into the action so that he could view Wall’s dismissal from the non strikers end.

The result means that barring a remarkable series of results the Village People will remain in Division 4 for another season. On the positive side the emergence of youngsters such as Barrie and C Patterson, along with the Dixon brothers, unavailable on Saturday, along with the group of youngsters who make up the second XI gives them great hopes for the future.

PVCC Vs Heriots III – 31^st July 

NOT SO MUCH A SWALLOW DIVE BUT A BEACHED WHALE

With the season passed the halfway point the Village People travelled to Edinburgh to meet Heriots 3 who like the Prestonpans team are at the wrong end of the league and like the visitors needed the win to boost any chance of escaping the drop at the end of August.

A review of the wicket found a flat if slow track due to the soaking it had received from the overnight rain. The general consensus was that it would only get easier to play on as the day progressed and hopefully it dried a little. This made the toss vital as both teams seemed certain to ask the other to make first use of the wicket. David King the "Village People’s" captain chose wrongly.

I know it’s hard to believe how bad David is at tossing (no jokes Mano) but to check the facts I personally accompanied the captains out to the middle. You know the scene; you see it at 10.00 before a test match. It was just the same but with no white haired Gower floating around for interviews only a distinguishing going grey Patterson having a fag, (that’s a pint you owe me Patterson). The Heriots captain after the usual pleasantries, "How are you getting on?", "Crap" was the reply King, the Heriots captain then delivered the coup de grace, "I’ll level with you, it’s a double headed coin", fine says King suspecting the double bluff – tails.

The outcome was Patterson and Grieve (not a grey as Patterson due to his peroxide treatment) wandering out to open the innings. Unfortunately Grieve was wandering back in the first over bowled by Ross. Gordon Ross is better known for his exploits with the Scottish Rugby team but his opening spell proved a handful for King and Patterson as they struggled on a pitch without much pace to establish a base for the Villagers innings.

King was next to depart playing on to Thompson leaving Black and Patterson to put 30 runs on before Patterson played a truly appalling shot to be caught for 25 leaving the visitors on 50 for 2. He might be dignified with his grey hair (another pint please) but really one suspects dementia when a full toss on leg stump is chipped to mid-wicket.

The opener was replaced by Chris Dixon making his first appearance since his broken leg at the start of the season which had robbed the "People" of both his batting and bowling. Although still coupe of weeks from resuming pace bowling Dixon showed his power with a rapid 21 which came to an unfortunate end when a miss hit drive was caught at cover point. Young Dixon is showing maturity beyond his years as his quick offer of a pint to the scribe led to the report in the local press of an unfortunate end as opposed to the truth that it was a shocker of a shot (all village batsmen should take note).

During his hitting Black and Wright had also departed, Black for a cultured 17. With Dixon’s dismissal the focus fell on the lower order to take the Villagers to a reasonable total. McMillan crashed a quick 14 not out but the reminder of the lower order were unable to stay with him and the "People" had subsided to 107 all out.

Faced with a low total and deteriorating weather the home team set off looking for a quick victory, with Low and Lister both taking chances and hitting out from the start. This approach was abetted by the failure of the "Village People" to hold on to chances given by both batsmen. Take a bow Stephen Dixon the natural successor to "Telflon" McGuire.

A brief interruption for heavy rain merely made the wicket more difficult to bowl on and the sight of Wright bowling from 3 rather than the usual 11 paces, and McMillan slipping on his rear when completing his bowling action confirmed that the last downpour had made it virtually impossible for the visitors pace attack to really challenge the home batsmen.

However the sight of the day was McMillan diving full length, with the toes pointing in the right direction, over the boundary attempting to stop a four, then sliding further than the ball. The general consensus was that the 8.9 awarded by most judges was correct although the 7.5 awarded by the Musselburgh j